He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
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