I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
