He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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