Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
