so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
