You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
