my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
