My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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