Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
