There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
