Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
