Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
