I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
