I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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