After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
