He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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