Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Randomize
