I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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