I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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