life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
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