I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
