The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
