the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
