you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
