soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I want a musical about memes.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
