i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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