i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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