The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I wish you could order shots online.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
