watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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