Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
