I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
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