Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
