I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
