I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
You smell like a Billy Joel song
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
