she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
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