She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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