i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
