you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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