He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
