i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
