I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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