Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
