I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
