i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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