That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
