you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
