Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
