Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
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