dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
