I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Send help, water and tortillas.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
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